How to Apologize Without Saying Sorry

Something terrible had happened, and it happened under my watch. In the snap of a finger, shame and guilt filled my torso. My heart sank into my stomach and my stomach dropped out of my body. 

When I sat back and surveyed the situation,  I realized that what had happened wasn’t actually that terrible. In a year, no one would think twice about the hiccup, and it was unlikely that it would have a lasting impact on my credibility or reputation. Nonetheless, my internal ecosystem was in the middle of a category 5 hurricane.

I knew I needed to respond to the mess. But how? 

How to Apologize Without Saying Sorry

The first thing that became clear to me was that I wanted my next interaction with the person to strengthen our relationship, not weaken it. The problem was, I didn’t have a strong history of apologizing to people in a way that brought people closer together. 

How Not to Apologize

I had learned to apologize by saying “sorry,” often because others explicitly told me to do it. “Apologize to your sister!” rings through my mind as a typical phrase used to control my behavior growing up, disconnecting me from my own innate sense of remorse and timing of reconnection. Apologizing was something I did because I had to, not because I wanted to or because it had the potential to strengthen a bond between me and others.

In effect, apologies became more about me than about the other person. They were an admission of wrongdoing, a way of saying “I feel bad about what I did and I want you to know it.” Apologizing in this manner taught me that feeling guilty and ashamed was a necessary prerequisite for forgiveness from the other person.

Even though I had practiced apologizing this way many times before, it never made me feel better, it seldom made the other person feel better, and it didn’t have a strong track record of strengthening my relationships with others.

How to Apologize In 4 Steps

So here I was, many years later, now in my early 30s, Googling for ways to apologize appropriately. This was a professional situation. I had to apologize, and I could not rely on my guilt and shame to carry me through this as I had in my childhood. There had to be a better way.

I wanted to acknowledge a mistake without chastising myself for it. I wanted to take responsibility for the failure and the fixing without groveling or using the words “I’m sorry”. I wanted to make the apology more about the other person than about me. I wanted to give bad news without making it worse by adding my own unpleasant emotions into the mix for the other person to manage. I wanted to build rapport and respect even in the midst of things going wrong.

I skimmed through a few articles and began to write the email. I started with that which made me the most nervous: The admission of wrongdoing. I wanted to give the bad news straight up to the recipient, without adding emotional baggage that they would have to address along with the wrongdoing. Next came empathy: making a guess as to how the situation might make the other person feel, without any mention of my own feelings. This was in an attempt to make them feel understood in what was likely to be a very disappointing situation. Next, I shared my intentions so that they were clear that this was an accident. Finally, I wrapped up with lessons learned. There was nothing I could do to make this particular situation better for them, but perhaps knowing that I learned from it would preserve trust and their faith in my ability to move things forward.

I have used a variation of this 4-step apology dozens of times since then, both in writing and in conversation, and I’ve found it to be a solid recipe for keeping the relationship in good standing even when bad things happen.

The 4-Step Apology Recipe:

• Acknowledge the Bad News: Be clear, non-emotional, and straightforward, using as few words as possible. Respect that the other person is burning calories to interpret your message, and aim to make the best use of their caloric spend.

• Empathize With Their Situation: It may be appropriate to guess their feelings, a’la “If I were in your shoes, I would feel _____”; or perhaps it makes more sense to indicate you understand the constraints they are dealing with that are impacted by your bad news, such as, “I know you are dealing with budget allocation on your end, so let me know if this drastically changes anything for you.”

• Share Your Intentions: When people understand where you’re coming from, it makes it easier to relate to you.  You might say something like, “I realize _____ happened, and that was not intentional”, or, “This was an accidental oversight and I hate that it happened.”

• Make it Better: Orient yourself and the other person towards a better future. “Here’s what I can do for you”, “Moving forward, here is what I will do differently,” or, “I wish there was a way to make this better”.

When I am apologizing via writing, which is often the case in work situations, I go through these steps pretty much in order, making allowances for what I know about the other person. Are they the touchy-feely type? Are they unemotional and to the point? What can I say that will register with them calmly, like little waves lapping up on a dock? How can I make them feel understood?

If I’m apologizing to a person in conversation, I might start with the acknowledgement of bad news and then leave space for them to share their reaction. This is scary because I’m opening myself up to hear things that I maybe don’t trust myself to respond to appropriately, but it’s important to give them space to react authentically, even if it takes all the courage I have to shut up and let that happen. After they share, I might cycle through empathy, sharing my intentions and making it better, pausing frequently to allow for dialogue. In conversation, I can turn statements into questions, such as “What can I do to make this better?” which allows them to be part of the solution. 

Life After “Sorry”

Apologizing in the way that I just described above has secured me client renewals, earned me sales, strengthened my friendships, and deepened trust between people. As someone who makes mistakes occasionally (or frequently, depending on how you look at it), I’ve had plenty of opportunities to apologize in this new way. Each time, I am happy to deepen my skills and understand human beings with more nuance.

Feeling bad about mistakes is natural. We make it worse by how we handle it. We feel better when we connect with others; we feel worse when we put more distance between us. Apologies are an amazing opportunity to connect, repair and strengthen a bond between people. Interestingly, I’ve found that the word “sorry” often puts more distance between people--it implies status and hierarchy, it implies moral judgment, it’s often accompanied by uncomfortable feelings that don’t get expressed. Alternatively, the 4-step apology recipe starts by acknowledging what happened and then moves into the inner lives of the people involved, allowing for transparency, open-mindedness, acceptance and connection.

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