Giving Up What Other People Think: How To Deal With The Haters.

Recently, I’ve been working up a storm on branding for this website. 

Although I’ve owned a business before, this is the first time I’ve been interested in getting the branding right for something. I guess before I didn’t really see the point--or, more accurately, I didn’t understand what I standed to gain from ensuring that my business is well-branded (um, hello! A customer can’t connect with a brand that doesn’t exist!). There was actually even some fear around getting clear about my messaging, and not because of the people I stand to attract with our message, but because of all the people I stand to lose or alienate. 

For some reason, my thoughts were anchoring on the potentiality of people reacting negatively to our message (you know, instead of eyes on the prize, let’s attract the people who are actually right for this message type of thinking). 

This got me wondering: What is this business with caring so much about what other people think? Whether we care about what everybody thinks about us most of the time, or if we only care what certain people think about us some of the time, we’ve likely all experienced this to some degree or another. 

To feel threatened by what someone else is thinking, to feel like now something bad is going to happen because so-and-so thinks this about us, to feel upset or defeated when someone points their finger our way--this is what I mean by caring about what other people think. 

Intuitively, we understand that we cannot change other people or their reactions to us. This means that ultimately, if we want peace and happiness in our lives, it is up to us to give up what other people think of us. It’s one of the keys to our sanity. 

In the spirit of that, how many times have we taken someone else’s point of view personally and then tried to talk ourselves out of it? (Um, pretty much all the time? Yeah, me too.) And how many times has that worked? (Um, pretty much none of the time? Yeah, me too.) Since we can’t talk ourselves out of it, the change must be triggered by something deeper than mere monologuing. It has to come from understanding. 

As the branding for our website starts to shape up and our messaging gets more and more clear, I’m starting to see the value in contrary points of view--the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, where I’m able to process different viewpoints a little more gracefully, with a little less bother and a little more understanding. 

Here is what I’m learning: 

See the Whole Picture 

Suppose someone happens upon this blog post and leaves a comment telling me that I have no business writing about these subjects because all I’m doing is confusing people with nonsense. 

My knee-jerk reaction to something like that might be an onslaught of thoughts and feelings that attempt to justify my behavior and find fault with the other person’s view. I may  even want to throw the negative comment back in their face in an attempt to salvage what I believe is my reputation. If I were to let this reaction play out and generate behavior (which has happened on more than one occasion), it might result in a snappy comment back, deleting their comment or any number of other retaliations.

Now, in this scenario, I would be fully aware of all the situational factors in my life that led up to me writing this blog--my experiences growing up as a sensitive kid, my die-hard interest in discovering what happiness is and where it is in our experience, how (for reasons I’m not quite sure of) I love writing about what I’m learning and sharing this conversation with others. 

At the same time, I would be aware of practically zero situational factors in the commenter’s life that led up to them leaving the comment. I may forget altogether that situational factors exist, and instead attribute the comment to a behavioral factor, such as: Well, that person’s an a**hole, that’s why they wrote it. 

My knee-jerk reaction actually tricks me into believing that I have the full story, when in reality I’m just grasping at straws. And unless I’m able to understand this in the moments when it’s happening, my behavior may be directed by my assumption that I’m seeing the situation accurately and someone else needs to pay for the pain that I’m experiencing. 

When we react to other peoples’ views in this way, we have a tacit belief that we are seeing the situation correctly for everything that it is. Otherwise, why would we buy so fiercely into what’s going on in our head?

If we let our knee-jerk reaction play out and dictate our behavior, we will likely stop asking questions to gather more information and lose interest in investigating what evidence we have to believe what we’re believing. We want desperately for the other person to be able to see where we’re coming from, but are unwilling to offer the same gesture in return. 

But what if we could step back from our perspective during these moments and zoom out to see a bigger picture? What if we could foster the ability to not take our assumptions or stories so seriously? To see that they are not an accurate depiction of reality? What if we could approach the situation from the vantage point of an impartial third-party witness that is privy to the totality of experience of all people involved? 

Does this not stop us right in our tracks? It does for me. 

It reminds me that I don’t have the whole story, and until I have the whole story, there’s no use in trying to change, control or adjust the situation in my favor. And what’s even crazier is that once I do have the full story--once I’m able to zoom out and see the situation from the vantage point of an impartial third party--I’m no longer angry, confused or ashamed. I’m actually interested in how other people work and feel like I’m on the same team. 

Respect Other People's Freedom

Here’s the thing: Reality is designed to have contrary points of views. It’s unavoidable. And trying to avoid something unavoidable is a sure sign of misery down the road. 

So what to do? 

When we give other people the freedom to think what they want, we will feel free from their opinions. This doesn’t mean we will stop listening to other people or putting ourselves in situations where contrary viewpoints pop up. It simply means that we stop trying to control situations with our limited point of view. We let it be okay for others to be different from us.  

To respect someone else’s freedom is to zoom out from our limited point of view and begin to see the situation from an imaginary third-party perspective. To fess up to what we don’t know and to refrain from making assumptions in those gaps. 

The universe has already granted us freedom to think how we want, so who am I to deny you that freedom, even if I’m only denying it in my mind? To deny freedom goes against what’s already happening, which means more friction and more suffering for me. Therefor, to grant others freedom is not so much a favor to them--although they benefit from having less pushback--it’s actually more a favor for us. Freedom for others means freedom for ourselves. 

(I also want to take a moment to clarify that giving freedom to others does not mean being a doormat for bad behavior. We can still address fairness and justice and give others freedom to be themselves. But that’s an article for another day.)

Use What’s Constructive & Leave The Rest

Seeing the whole picture and giving freedom to others are the first steps to experiencing peace in the face of altercation. They lay the foundation for us to be able to walk into any place at any time and experience the confidence that comes from being unbothered by life’s events. 

But is there another way to use criticism to our advantage? I think so. 

When we’re able to hear what others are saying without feeling poked by it, we can determine what’s useful from what the other person is saying. After all, they are offering us valuable feedback about how we’re being perceived by others. Is this how we want to be perceived? Is this a simple case of you can’t please everybody, or is there some feedback here that I can use to direct my life? 

When we’re open to the idea that not only is it okay for others to express contrary points of view, but that they might also be bringing value to the table, we put ourselves in a position to shine in the face of controversy and to take feedback to heart that may actually improve our relationships with others and ourselves. 

It’s not our haters who need to back off. It’s us that needs to back off our haters. And that’s really the point with this whole happiness investigation: Happiness isn’t something we find due to our circumstances, it’s something we find in spite of them. 

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