How to deal with negative thoughts: A New Approach for the Logically Inclined.

How many times have you laid in bed in the middle of the day staring at the ceiling watching your mind circle through all the things that get you down in life? 

At this point, I’ve lost track. In middle school, episodes of negative thinking had me in bed every day, and established depression and anxiety as my status quo. In high school, college and throughout my 20s, these episodes were mostly triggered by circumstances and what I believed about myself, popping up and depleting my ability to be useful anywhere from once or twice a week, to once a month or less, each time taking between 24-72 hours to cool down. Now, a month into my 30s, these episodes are even less regular, they take much less time to recover from, and I take them less seriously when the storm blows in. 

At times throughout my life, my negative thinking habits had generated so much suffering that I felt there were two options for me: 1) commit suicide, or 2) figure out how to be f*cking happy. Luckily, I have (almost) always been committed to the second option, and now take my negative thoughts seriously in order to understand where they come from, why they’re happening and how to resolve them effectively. 

Obviously, I’m not alone in this. We are all trying to cope with our negative experiences in such a way that we don’t breed more negativity. But are we effective? 

This article explores why we have negative thoughts, how conventional coping mechanisms actually don’t work that well, and alternative methods of understanding that are likely to produce better outcomes, so that we are experiencing more happiness more of the time. 

How not to deal with negative thoughts

When’s the last time you had a negative thought? How did you respond to it? 

If you’re anything like me, your first response might be: “Oh brother, not again--I don’t want to feel this!” You may have even found yourself trying to talk yourself out of the thought, as if cajoling might motivate its exit. Or maybe your mind switched into problem-solving mode, trying to seek and destroy whatever perceived problem triggered the negative thought in the first place. Or still another option--why not wait out the thoughts with some pain relief by taking a good old depression nap (that’s my favorite!), emotionally eating (or not eating), or boozing. 

Here’s my next question: Did any of that work? Did any of that produce more understanding about why these thoughts are happening? Did any of that help soften the impact of those thoughts the next time they got triggered? 

In my experience, these coping mechanisms have not worked at all. If anything, they have prolonged the amount of time I experience negative thoughts. And after the thoughts subside, they return again at the next trigger with even more intensity. In effect, these coping mechanisms produce more negative thoughts down the line, not less, and they come back with heightened drama and sensation. 

Why do we experience negative thoughts? 

Take a moment to consider the following: The only reason we experience negative thinking is because we believe to be separate from each other. We believe that our existence starts and stops in our finite bodies (for which we have no scientific proof), and that we are fundamentally different, special and separate from our surroundings. 

When we view ourselves as distinct and separate from each other, we put ourselves in competition with our environment--we turn us into me and them, and we see ourselves positively and negatively impacted by life’s events. We lose our ability to zoom out and see the activity of the world from the perspective of all parties involved, of being able to see how the dream of life is put together by the power of the universe (or whatever is creating the universe). Our point of view narrows to the contents of our finite mind, so instead of perceiving our body and the world as part of one indivisible whole, we see only our limited perspective, which puts us into conflict with others.

It is our fundamental belief in separation--and nothing else--that produces our negative thoughts. This is why problem-solving isn’t usually effective, because we are solving the wrong problem--it is not our poor performance review at work that has produced negative thoughts--it is that we believe we are separate that has produced negative thoughts, which were triggered by our performance review. The difference is subtle but poignant, because it allows us to see our experience more clearly.  

Now, how, exactly have we taken on this belief in separation? 

In our first year of life, we learn that we are not our mothers. This is an important step in our development so that we can individuate and experience the world on our own. Throughout our childhood, we learn that we are not our toys or our friends or the world. Using this logic, we arrive at the conclusion that what we essentially are is a finite body and mind, which is separate from the finite bodies and minds of other humans, animals and celestial bodies. Hence the pervasive and invisible belief in separation that underpins our culture’s conventional worldview. For most people, this is where our understanding of ourselves ends. We become adults and are satisfied with this rendition of who we are--we have figured it out! 

The problem with this is that it leads to psychological suffering in the form of negative thoughts and feelings. Why? Because we haven’t finished our investigation about who we are, and therefore have not arrived at the correct conclusion. We have not continued our logical investigation to understand that we are also not our bodies or our minds, which are always changing. We are whatever is aware of those changes, and whatever is aware of those changes does not change. Whatever is aware of those changes must pre-exist those changes. This means that we must pre-exist our body and our mind--our body and our mind appears within us and not the other way around! And whatever this changeless element is, it is not necessarily separate from the changeless element in other people, animals or celestial bodies. In fact, it would be entirely  consistent with our experience to say that this changeless element is actually shared amongst all forms, leading us to a new conclusion: Whatever it is that I am is shared across all existence and cannot be separated from the whole. 

When we are able to understand that we are not separate in all circumstances, under all conditions and at all times, there is no such thing as a negative thought. Even when we experience what we might have once labeled as negative thinking, it loses its power to dictate the quality of our days. This is when we truly become adults. 

A new approach for managing negative thoughts

So, if we’re not supposed to try to get rid of negative thoughts, or problem solve within the domains of their content, or drown them out with pleasurable activities, then what exactly are we supposed to do when we have them? 

For those of us who are prone to tampering with the content of our thinking in order to try and change it, here is a radical next step: Stop it. Do nothing. Don’t try to get rid of them, change them or barter with them. Let the negative thoughts enter the way you would welcome a house guest from Airbnb: Invite them in, show them their room, give them some towels, point out where the bathrooms are, and then carry on with your day. Whatever our negative thoughts are telling us to do--don’t do it (yep--we’re calling out depression napping [that’s me!], emotional eating and other decisions with this step). Whatever problems our negative thoughts are pointing out in our lives--don’t follow them. Whatever evidence our negative thoughts are pointing to as reasons for the fury--don’t buy into it. 

Once we know that negative thoughts are a product of our belief in separation, and once we can clearly see that we have no logical or experiential evidence of such a separation, we need not take our thinking so seriously because we understand that our thoughts are not an accurate representation of reality. 

When we’re in the throes of negative thoughts, we may happen upon a moment of interest where we are open to investigating who we truly are. This is an invitation to let our attention drift away from the content of our thinking, and towards the one who is experiencing it. In other words, to shift our attention away from that which changes, and let it sink back and rest in the place that does not change. That which does not change is already free of the content of our negative thinking, and therefore is a great resting place for our attention as the drama of our mind unfolds. Whatever is changeless in our experience is home-base, a place of absolute freedom, safety and immunity. It is stronger than all our negative thoughts combined, and will naturally reconfigure the mind over time to have more productive lines of thought. 

These two practices--allowing our experience to unfold as it is, and shifting the way we pay attention to negative thoughts--are the building blocks of lasting peace and happiness and the prerequisites for dissolving negative thought patterns. They also help produce more functional behavior as we learn to refrain from acting or making decisions based on negative thinking, and save our problem solving faculties for the moments when we’re able to see the situation more clearly. Not only is this the only existential solution for lasting happiness, but this may also bring about revelations of technical solutions to our problems that help us put ourselves in the right situations and respond to them accurately. 

Our thinking is configured by repetition and revision. We are likely to experience our negative thought patterns over and over again until and unless we begin to understand the true nature of ourselves. Our understanding will chip away at these patterns over time, making the rabbit holes of our suffering more shallow, less intense and last for shorter periods of time. When we look back at our lives over the span of several years, we may notice that our negative thinking hasn't totally disappeared, but we’re less bothered by it. 

The goal is not perfection, but to experience our lives converging more towards peace and happiness over time. And until we experience unbroken peace and happiness, the best we can do is enjoy the highs and enjoy the lows, because it’s all unfolding as it should--negative thoughts and all. 

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