How To Handle Arguments In A Relationship

On average, a couple in a relationship argues about seven times per day. That’s 2,455 times a year. Suffice it to say, you are not alone when it comes to arguing with a loved one, and you are even less alone when it comes to arguing fairly and cleanly. 

Arguments are bound to happen, and they are bound to happen frequently. The trick is not trying to get rid of them, but to figure out how to fight with each other so that we are resolving our differences and feeling connected to each other throughout the highs and lows.

For our purposes, let’s define an argument as not seeing eye-to-eye with our partner. Whether the topic is money, family, sex or attention, an argument happens when we each have a different side of the story that we want the other person to see from our point of view. It escalates when we are both pushing the other person to see our side of the story without offering the understanding we so desperately want in return. At best, it creates a circular situation where we repeat our point of view over and over again hoping that it sticks for the other person. At worst, it drives a wedge between us that makes certain topics unapproachable and creates rules that each person tiptoes around in order to not set off the next alarm. 

So how exactly do we evolve our skills so that we aren’t having the same argument on repeat or feeling like the world is ending everytime we bump into a minor disagreement? And, at the same time, keeps hot-button topics on the table for discussion and resolution?

We can spend our entire life trying to figure this out, hopping from partner to partner in the hopes that we’ll find someone who we magically fight better with (or better yet--not fight at all!). While some partners are more suited for us than others, the likelihood is that we will still run into disagreements even with the best partner, and we will still need to tune up our behavior in order to navigate those conversations effectively. 

I’ve been on the front lines with my partner for the past five years. On paper, we are the perfect couple: We have loads in common, we care about each other more than anything, we help each other with everything, we accept each other for who we are, and we share the same values. But even our perfect couple status doesn’t save us from daily arguments. It merely indicates that if we can’t get this right with each other, we probably won’t get it right with anyone else. It motivates us to find solutions where we otherwise might give up and position the blame on the other person. 

And herein lies our challenge: To figure out how to fight fairly so that we resolve the differences between us and end up feeling more connected to each other. This is a tall order considering that we’re bringing to each other all the argumentative patterns we’ve built from relationships past, all of our insecurities, and all the ways we shut down when we’re exposed to psychological friction. 

In order to transform our fighting habits, we must be open to experimenting with new and brave techniques for understanding another person’s pain when we ourselves are in pain. It’s not easy (at first), but it yields much better results than any alternative. 

The following steps are a system we use to reconnect when the connection has been lost. The process of resolution isn’t always immediately available to us, as we are each emotional and are sometimes caught up in our own viewpoint. Sometimes the best course of action is to step away for long enough to cool down and soften the grip on our limited perspective. But eventually, these are the steps that we always come back to, which ensures that we’re not leaving hot-button topics unresolved or off the table for discussion, and that we’re holding ourselves accountable for our own assumptions and behavior. 

We are learning that our fighting is our own to resolve--it is not caused by the other person, no matter how much we’d like to think it is. No one can put us into an argument except ourselves, and therefore the path to redemption lies squarely in our own hands.

Step 1: Clarify What You Want

By the time we notice that we’re in the argument, it may already be so heated that it’s time to step back and decompress before convening. 

Whether we notice the argument from its get-go or whether we’re an hour in, the moment of noticing is a powerful moment. It indicates to us that the time is now to stop and regroup and clarify what we actually want: Do I want to be a part of this relationship? 

If the answer is yes, which it usually is, then it’s time to start acting like it.

Often times, when we start arguing with each other, we stop acting like we want to be a part of our relationship. The signals we start giving to the other person is that we want out, we want nothing to do with them, and we want to be left alone. This likely adds to our partner’s pain and feelings of isolation. 

By stopping to ask ourselves and get clear about what we want, we put ourselves in a position to notice the dissonance between what we want and how we’re behaving. If we find our answer is: Yes, I want to be a part of this relationship, then the next step is to start acting like it. 

This may entail putting the conversation on hold to regroup and calm down, or it may entail staying in the conversation and shifting the way we participate. When we’re ready to reconvene, it’s time to move to the next step.

Step 2: Act According To What You Want

If we want to be a part of our relationship--whatever the nature of the relationship is--then we must act like it even and especially when both partners are experiencing pain. 

So our next question to ourselves is: If I really wanted to be a part of this relationship, how would I act? 

Well, I would probably not act by trying to shove my point of view down their throat. I would probably back away from my point of view long enough to ensure that I’m understanding them. I would probably take a moment to consider that maybe I don’t have the full story of what’s going on, maybe my first reaction is not an accurate representation of the situation, maybe I don’t have the full picture. 

Because until I stop to admit that I don’t actually know what the other person is going through, they are going to sense that I’m not open. And when I’m not open, they don’t feel safe--they don’t feel safe from being judged, they don’t feel safe that I won’t take their words out of context, they don’t feel safe to share themselves with me authentically. In essence, they feel disconnected from me, and in those moments of disconnect, we are actually not in a relationship. We are isolated. 

We need to make our partners feel safe to express themselves. This can be achieved by backing away from our point of view long enough to listen to theirs, and then to repeat their point of view back to them until they agree that we have understood what they are saying. This can often take multiple repetitions--sometimes an annoying amount of repetition--as we often hear their viewpoint through our own filter and attribute meaning to their words that they do not intend. 

By repeating their point of view back to them, they may also begin to see where their words and experience don’t totally align, and this gives them the opportunity to rephrase and refresh their point of view so it becomes more clear to us. 

We often want to crucify the other person for the language they use, as if language is an accurate barometer of their experience. We must remember that words are largely insufficient to express the totality of our experience, which is made of a cluster of ever-moving ever-changing thoughts, sensations and perceptions. We must be open to the possibility that our partner’s words are not a complete picture of their experience, and we must be willing to workshop the conversation with them in order to understand what they are actually going through. 

To interpret their experience through the prism of our own vocabulary often does us no good. It creates assumptions, misdirections and false beliefs about what the other person is going through. At this point, if we try to tell them what they are doing, thinking or feeling without checking in with them to ensure that we’ve understood correctly, it will likely not register as true with them, and will make them feel further isolated from us during this time.

Once our partner feels heard and that we understand them, they are much more likely to be able to listen to us. At the very least, our ability to surrender and listen restores our connection and intimacy with one another, and realigns our behavior with our intentions to be a part of our relationship. 

Step 3: Share Your Point of View 

When we are arguing, it is more important to restore our connection to each other than to finish or win the fight. After one person has been heard and understood, sometimes it’s best to hang up our coats and return to the conversation when both parties are less triggered. 

But if our partner is ready to listen to us--and they might be if they feel they have been fully understood--then our next step is to share our point of view with them. 

When we share our point of view, it’s important that we’re aware of the language we use to describe what’s going on inside of us. Depending on how we’ve been programmed by our life experiences, we may be experiencing some anger, rage, resentment or a host of other things that make voicing our experience a difficult task. 

As we go to share our side of the story, it’s important that we don’t position blame on our partner. We aren’t trying to make them feel guilty, we are simply trying to verbalize an uncomfortable experience. 

If we find that we don’t have the language to properly express ourselves without putting blame on the other person, we can admit this to them by saying: Look--I really don’t want you to feel guilty or like I’m blaming you, I just don’t have other language to describe what I’m going through and I want to express myself fully. If you hear any blame in what I say, please disregard it and know that I love you and I’m learning to express myself in a way that’s more accurate and useful for both of us.

Just like we took steps to ensure that we understood our partner’s position, we can ask our partner to repeat back to us our point of view to see what they are taking from it. Depending on the filter through which they are ingesting our viewpoint, we may hear an interpretation that doesn’t quite hit the mark. That’s okay. We’re human. We can try again and let our partner know where there is misunderstanding. 

Takeaways

Handling arguments in relationships is less about problem solving and more about problem seeking. When we take steps to ensure that we are understanding each other’s perspective, we are seeking out the problem. We are excavating. We are diving deep. And like my favorite Steve Jobs quote says: If you define the problem correctly, you almost have the solution. 

Whether our fighting tells us that we’re in the wrong relationship or helps bring us closer together, it is positioning us to be better listeners and better problem solvers. We will never escape arguments in relationships or life. The best we can do is tune up our ability to solve problems by seeking them, and we seek them by seeking to understand what the other person is going through. 

Try this 3-step process the next time you find yourself in a fight with a loved one: 

1. When you notice that you’re in an argument ask yourself: Do I want to be a part of this relationship? If the answer is yes, then...

2. ...Start acting like it! Take the necessary steps to either pause the conversation and regroup, or move forward with a new intention to listen and understand what your partner is going through. Repeat their position back to them until they agree that you have fully understood their experience. This will restore connection so that you can…

3. ...Share your own point of view. Do your best to communicate in such a way that doesn’t place blame on the other person, and ask if they are willing to workshop your viewpoint through repetition until you feel you have finally been understood.

At this point, whatever the topic of the argument is between you--be it money, family, sex or attention--possible solutions will naturally arise. We never know if a solution works until after we implement it, so we musn’t become discouraged if one solution doesn’t pan out the way we envisioned. Solutions, like all lessons in life, are discovered through experimentation and trial and error.  

Learning how to handle arguments in a relationship will not just improve the quality of relationships in our lives, it will set us up to remain equanimous in the face of all of life’s challenges. And isn’t that what we’re going after anyway--the ability to remain calm and at ease no matter our circumstances?  

Our yoga platform features smart, simple movements that help you feel better without confusing you, overwhelming you, or asking you to do impossible things. We believe you are capable of moving well, resolving pain, overcoming obstacles, and feeling capable beyond your wildest dreams. Try our online yoga membership risk-free for 7-days, or subscribe to our mailing list to stay in touch.