The Introvert’s Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings.

Interacting socially can be hard work. Especially when it’s with our extended families.

We hope that social time spent with families is a relaxing time. You know, float where the wind takes us. Flit from the conversation-by-the-cookie-plate-crew to the kiddos-in-the-other-room-club to the kitchen-cooking-and-baking-team with ease. 

But sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes there are difficult family members. Sometimes there are new family members, or family members of family members, or hierarchies to maintain, or grudges to coddle, or just too many things going on in one damn place.

For those of us who are configured to be more introverted, these types of situations are regularly tough stuff. At our best we are calm, thoughtful, deliberate with our actions and are able to work out the right thing to do in a situation. At our worst we may be perceived as deliberately silent, stuck-up, non-participatory, moody or even creepy. This is because we often find ourselves uncomfortable in social situations. Sometimes there’s awkwardness over who to talk to at what time about what, which can lead to us feeling a self-imposed pressure in social situations that should otherwise feel light. Sometimes we find ourselves easily triggered in conversation and don’t necessarily have the tools to understand and communicate what we’re going through with those around us. 

For me personally, I don’t want to just survive family gatherings, I want to thrive at family gatherings. I want to let myself be weird and awkward and introverted, and I want to make that be okay. I want to participate where it makes sense and where I have the interest. I want to forge meaningful connections that aren’t built on topics I think the other person wants to talk about. I want to learn how to make life more wonderful for myself and others, even when I find myself in potentially uncomfortable situations. 

Our cards have been dealt, now we find out how well we’re able to play them. 

Before Family Gatherings

Before you step into the situation, take some time to prepare for it. 

Take a few minutes to reflect on the upcoming gathering and potential scenarios. What might happen at this upcoming gathering? Who might approach you to talk about what? Who might you engage with on what topics? Allow your mind to play out a variety of realistic scenarios--situations you would likely find yourself in. 

As you do this, you may notice that your attention gets pulled quite easily to scenarios that trigger big emotional responses in you. This is natural. What’s a little bit harder is the following step: Don’t let your mind run away with these scenarios. Don’t start building your emotional response into something bigger. Instead, allow the scenario to play out, allow it to trigger that first wave of emotion, and instead of building it into something bigger, watch it get smaller and disappear on its own. In other words, practice letting go of that which triggers you. 

I speak from my own experience when I say that part of why we psychologically freak out in intense social settings is because we are afraid of the emotional reactions we are experiencing. As in, we find ourselves in situations where we don’t know how to answer a question put forward to us, or we’re on the receiving end of a disagreement or criticism, or the conversation has gone quiet. Often times, it is our own internal emotional reaction that is the big piece of discomfort in these situations. Perhaps we don’t know what our emotional response is indicating, perhaps we know what it’s trying to tell us but we don’t know how to put that into words for other people. 

Taking time to reflect on possible scenarios prior to the event helps us build vital skills for thriving in those events. Skills such as being able to not take our emotional reactions too seriously, not building them into something bigger than the initial kinesthetic response, and most important, being able to greet them with familiarity, because we are only empowered to make smart decisions when we are familiar with something. 

Mind you, I’m not advocating for ignoring our emotions or pushing them away. There is no emotional manipulation required in being able to watch our reactions and not act on them right away. I’m advocating for being able to put enough space between our initial emotional reaction to something and the way we respond to it once it happens, either verbally or with our body language. When we’re able to do this, we put ourselves in a position to understand where our emotions are coming from and why they’re arising the way that they are. 

As you prepare for the event, check in with yourself and ask if there’s something you can do for yourself to make life more wonderful at the gathering. Can you bring your puppy? Can you work in the kitchen? Can you bring a book? Can you hang out with the kiddos during the movie? Can you develop an exit strategy that allows you to leave a location when triggered? When you are able to make life more wonderful for yourself, you are able to make life more wonderful for others.

During Family Gatherings

The time has come. Take a deep breath. Remember that you belong exactly as you are. Begin scene. 

We don’t need to be the life of the party, we don’t need to jumpstart a conversation with everyone, we don’t need to conform to what we think others want from us, and we don’t need to be somehow different than we are. This is our starting point. 

Once we’re in the thick of it, the best thing we can do for ourselves during a family gathering is respect our own freedom. Respecting our freedom means giving ourselves permission to follow our interests when it’s appropriate to do so. There may be times where it’s not appropriate--someone is giving a toast, cutting a cake, opening gifts--and the more appropriate thing to do is to stay put as part of the group. But there are many times where it’s absolutely appropriate to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom or to take a walk outside on our own or find someone else to talk to or befriend the cat. When we give ourselves permission to follow our interests, we naturally turn into better company to be around. Following our interests puts us at ease and reminds us that the purpose of life is ultimately to enjoy every moment, despite the sometimes challenging circumstances we find ourselves in. 

And when we find ourselves in a moment of unease--someone has brought up the ever-triggering topic of our love life or the endless job search we’ve been on--we are being given a moment to practice what we’ve rehearsed during our prep time. This is our opportunity to notice the thoughts and feelings that arise in response to these uncomfortable situations, and to do our best to see the situation clearly, whether that entails cognitively-reframing what we’re going through to snap ourselves out of unproductive thinking or stepping away from an event to process something on our own. 

After Family Gatherings

In the aftermath of a family gathering, we get to see the residue. We get to observe all the ways in which we handled situations surprisingly well and all the ways in which we got thrown off center. We get to readjust our expectations for next time and think through the best ways of handling different situations in the future. 

Best of all, we get to bask in those small moments of connection. The shared interest we didn’t know we had with our cousin. The similar work experience we’ve had with an aunt. The story we had never heard from grandma. Consider these little gems as a starting point, as something that can be built upon in the meantime until your next family gathering. 

If you find yourself interested, reach out via email to follow up with grandma about what happened next. Tag your cousin on Instagram and ask them where they like to do your shared interest. Connect with your aunt on LinkedIn and ask if she has any leads in the sector you’re looking to break into. These are, of course, somewhat banal examples, but you see what I mean: Do something to strengthen the connections you found meaningful. Not only will this encourage deeper bonding with your loved ones, but it may put you at more ease the next time you show up to a family gathering because now you know you have friends and allies who are interested in helping you discover the best ways to live your life. 

Takeaways

If I had to guess, most people on this planet don’t feel totally secure in social situations. And while many of us feel isolated and alone when we experience discomfort around others, this experience couldn’t be more normal. We must acknowledge the regularity of our reactions as, well, regular. That there is nothing wrong with us. That everyone bumps into situations where they don’t know what to say or what questions to ask to get the conversation moving. That we are all trying to live up to our own expectations. That we are all doing a great job.

So when the next family gathering rolls around, give yourself permission to be yourself in whatever introverted awkward glory mess you show up as. No one has it better than you and no one has it worse. We are all trying to navigate our lives with the same degree of uncertainty as everybody else. And if you’re looking for some guidance, try out these new perspectives at your next family gathering: 

• Before: Prepare yourself by contemplating the ways in which you normally engage in these types of situations. 

• During: Respect your freedom to follow your interests whenever you can, whether that means finding some alone time, bonding with the cat or excusing yourself from a conversation. 

• After: Reflect on the good, bad and ugly. Build on the good by forging meaningful connections with family members in the interim between this family gathering and the next. 

Our yoga platform features smart, simple movements that help you feel better without confusing you, overwhelming you, or asking you to do impossible things. We believe you are capable of moving well, resolving pain, overcoming obstacles, and feeling capable beyond your wildest dreams. Try our online yoga membership risk-free for 7-days, or subscribe to our mailing list to stay in touch.